


Fairest of Them All

by TwicetheTrouble



Category: The Hobbit - All Media Types
Genre: Funny, Kinda, M/M, Not to be taken seriously, at all, gandalf the mad shipper, history probably wrong, looked up very little, parody story, ridiculous all around
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-07-18
Updated: 2017-07-18
Packaged: 2018-12-03 15:52:52
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,710
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11535462
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TwicetheTrouble/pseuds/TwicetheTrouble
Summary: After hearing a human fairytale in Laketown about a Prince bringing back his love with a single kiss, Bilbo throws caution to the wind and decides to try it on Thorin. What's the worst that could happen?or Thorin gets a surprising wake up call.





	Fairest of Them All

**Author's Note:**

> Hey everyone. This is just something stupid that popped into my head during a very strange transition scene in the last movie. So I wrote it.
> 
> I would like it to be known that this is, by no means, to be taken seriously. It's just stupid and silly and something I had fun writing while I was a tad stuck on my other fics. Sometimes stepping away from the serious stuff for a moment and writing something ridiculous helps me get past the difficult parts in my stories.
> 
> Hope you enjoy,  
> TBL

Thorin’s eyelids twitched but remained closed. He wasn’t sure what was going on, after all he was quite certain that he was supposed to be dead. The last thing he remember was talking to Bilbo before everything went black.

He felt an ache in his torso where he had allowed himself to be stabbed just a bit earlier. It confused him since he was pretty sure that you were not supposed to feel pain in the afterlife. Therefore, either he was still alive, or death was not all it was cracked up to be.

He also felt a slight pressure against his mouth, like something was pressed up against it. Thorin opened his eyes slightly to get a glimpse at whatever could possibly be doing this, which turned out to be Bilbo’s mouth.

_Bilbo’s mouth!?_

Thorin sat up quickly, accidentally knocking heads with the hobbit burglar. Both sat there holding their newly acquired wounds waiting for the pain to subside.

“Bilbo! What in all of Middle Earth were you doing?” The Dwarven King demanded.

“I was saving your life,” Bilbo replied. “You could at least say thank you.”

“Saving my life?! How does making out with my corpse constitute saving my life!”

“Well I had heard this old human’s tale while we were in Laketown where a girl, who happened to be the fairest in the land, was killed by the jealous queen but was brought back to life by a single kiss of her true love,” the hobbit explained shyly. “I thought it was at least worth a try.”

“But that was just an old legend! A bedtime story for their children! It’s not real!” Thorin exclaimed.

“Many legends such as those have a grain of truth still in them.”

“But that doesn’t mean you should kiss every dead body on the battlefield!”

“Not all of them! Just yours,” Bilbo said, causing Thorin to stop in surprise. It was silent for quite some time before either of them spoke. “Anyways, it worked so you really shouldn’t be all that upset.”

The two sat there in an awkward silence, Bilbo twiddling his thumbs while Thorin tried to look anywhere but at the hobbit.

“Well then,” Thorin began after a moment. “I wonder if it, the -um- kiss, has to be from a true love or if anyone would do.”

Thorin gave Bilbo a side glance that the hobbit completely missed in his sputtering.

“I, um…well, uh…” Bilbo cleared his throat, somewhat flustered. “I suppose we shall never know. I thought it best to stick with the original tale.”

“That was…quite wise of you. War is no time to experiment,” Thorin stated. He sat there in silence for a moment before continuing, somehow even more awkwardly. “In fact, if our roles were reversed I…may have done the same.”

Bilbo nodded before freezing in place. He looked towards Thorin to find him looking anywhere but at the hobbit.

“Yes, now that I think of it, I definitely would have. I do suppose it would have…uh, worked just as well as it did for you.” Thorin turned to Bilbo, his gaze locking with Bilbo’s. They stared at each other for several seconds, unable to look away.

“That’s all well and good,” Bilbo stated, clearing his throat as he finally averted his gaze. “But we should really focus on your wound. It needs treatment. I can wrap it for you, just until Oin can take care of it properly.”

Thorin watched, slightly amused, as Bilbo fumbled with his armor, lifting up the chainmail so he could get a proper look at the wound.

“Are Hobbits all this quick about things?” Thorin asked, getting a confused look from his impromptu nurse. “First you kiss me and now you are attempting to strip me. You know that would be considered quite the scandal among my people considering the fact we are not even properly courting as of yet.”

“Now you listen here, Thorin Oakensheild.” Bilbo shook a scolding finger at the smirking dwarf. “That is not what this is, and you know it. I am simply trying to save your life, nothing else.”

However, Thorin’s smug smile did not fade at his scolding. In fact, it seemed to only grow larger.

“Oh yes, and what a lovely excuse that is.” Thorin’s teasing tone rang through his words, making the hobbit’s brow furrow. “You cannot tell me, master burglar, that you didn’t enjoy the kiss for I would not believe you.”

“It would have been better if you had kissed back,” Bilbo stated simply, turning his attention back towards the wound. Thorin laughed, stopping quickly as the pain in his side flared up. Bilbo shot him a glair as he fetched a handful of spare rags out of his pocket then proceeded to use them as makeshift bandages.

“Master Baggins,” Thorin said after a minute or so. When he didn’t get a response, he tilted his head down so that he was in the peripheral vision of the hobbit. “Master Baggins,” he said again, getting a quick glance from him before he focused back on the wound

“Bilbo,” he called, making him look towards Thorin with a sigh.

“What is it now? Can’t you see I am busy?”

“I was simply wondering if you would like to test your theory.”

\-----

Radagast found Gandalf standing near the frozen lake, watching something with a clear air of amusement that the other wizard learned long ago to be weary of. Gandalf’s amusement almost always spelled trouble for some poor soul out there. At least that trouble wasn’t aimed at him, if Gandalf’s attention on the Hobbit patching up the dwarf was any indication.

“Gandalf?” Radagast called, causing the grey wizard to look back at him. “What are you doing here?”

“Ah, Radagast. Happy to see you made it, my friend,” he stated with a smile as Radagast came up beside him. “As for your question, I was simply insuring that the Dwarves did not lose their new king. He had been gravely wounded and I had to do a bit of quick spell work to keep him out of the arms of death.”

“Then why are you not with them? It does not even look as if they know you’re here.”

“That’s because they don’t,” he said turning back towards said pair.

“But why...” Radagast started to say, his question fading off as he looked towards the Hobbit and Dwarf himself. “W-what are they doing?”

“It looks as if Thorin is thanking Bilbo for saving his life with a prolonged kiss.”

“B-but you were the one that saved him. With magic. Why…Why is he under the impression that the Hobbit is responsible?”

“Well, I may have insured that Bilbo came across the old human fairy tale about ‘Snow White.’ I also may have told the lad that all fairy tales have a grain of truth in them, which isn’t necessary false.” Gandalf smirked as his companion stared at him open mouth. Radagast didn’t know what to say, but it didn’t matter much since Gandalf wasn’t exactly done yet. “After that, it would have been pretty simple to make sure Bilbo found Thorin before his death and that my spells were conveniently timed with his own ‘resurrection attempt’.”

“I…you…what…” Radagast sputtered, words failing him before realizing exactly what was going on. “You planned this didn’t you. This whole thing.”

“Why Radagast, I have no idea what you’re talking about,” he stated, sounding hurt at his assumptions. But the other wizard wasn’t fooled.

“This is one of your matchmaking schemes. The ones where you don’t care if anything goes wrong as long as your boat sails.”

“It is called a ship and I assure you, I’m not that bad.”

“Gandalf, people died from this endeavor! Many people! All because you though it would be a fantastic idea to send a hobbit and a bunch of dwarves out on a quest simply for your own romantic reasons!”

“The quest was to regain their home, which is exactly what happened.”

“Then tell me, with all honesty, that this was your main reason and not the romantic lives of Thorin and Bilbo.”

Gandalf stayed oddly silent as he kept his eyes averted from his companion, making him sigh.

“Why must you always do this?” Radagast said with a shake of his head.

“Always? I do not _always_ do this.” Gandalf crossed his arms indignantly, earning a flat look from the brown wizard. “Name one other time I-“

“Smeagol and the Ring,” Radagast answer without pause. “You started a war to get them together as well, did you not?”

“First off, no I did not. It had started long before I was part of it. And second, they were meant for each other and you know it.”

“Did the ring not leave him to reside in Bilbo’s pocket?”

“A simple lover’s quarrel. They will be together in the end.”

Radagast stared at him for a long moment, trying to figure out what was wrong with the wizard.

“You have been on this realm far too long, Gandalf, if you think romantic relationships require wars to start.” Radagast sighed once again.

“Romance is a fickle thing.”

“It’s not worth the death of thousands! Gandalf, Thorin’s kin were counted among that number. His only heirs _died_ because you wanted to pair up their uncle!”

“Ah yes, Fili and Kili. Quite sad, really. But Thorin and Bilbo can always make more heirs now that they’re together.”

“No, they can’t!’ They are both male! It is physically impossible for them to produce offspring of any type!”

“Hmm, I suppose you’re right,” he said after a moment, stroking his beard in thought. Radagast sighed in relief, only for that relief to flee as soon as Gandalf opened his mouth once again. “I should probably fix that.”

“That’s it! I’m done with you!” Radagast exclaimed turning on his heels and walking away. “I’m done with all of this, so don’t ever call on my help again for you will not receive it!”

“Good travels, my friend,” Gandalf called to him.

“And they think _I’m_ the crazy one,” Radagast muttered to himself. “I’ll take my mushrooms and animals over his special brand of insanity any day.”


End file.
